Let Me Go
by ZamShazam1995
Summary: Dean wakes up in the middle of the night, states away with a sickening feeling in his stomach. He drives all the was back to where he and Sam left Cas and finds that Cas made good in his threat to try and kill himself. But, was Dean to late, so can he save Cas? Destiel, set after 808 "Hunteri Heroici". Two-shot
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

**Please review if you want this to be a multi-chapter story! I would love your input, plus this is one of my first Destiel fics, so I'm not quite sure if I'm headed in the right direction here. Anyway, please review and enjoy!  
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I didn't know what provoked me to come back. I didn't know what provoked me to drive two hundred miles in the dead on the night to a town I'd just left a few days ago. I woke up with a start, a sick feeling in my gut.

I told Sam I'd be gone, that I needed to check on someone. He didn't argue, I guess he saw the frantic look in my eye and let me go without a fight.

Cas had scared me. I had never seen him look so sincere. And the thought of losing him, of him taking his own life devastated me. He was once such a proud man, and now, because of us he was so different. He gave up in Purgatory and he was giving up now.

I knew where I was going. I didn't know why. We had just been here, left Cas with Mr. Jones. Cas had things he needed to fix in his own mind. I'd hoped that he would be able to do that on his own. But as I raced across the country in the darkness, I feared the worst for my friend.

Honestly, living with Sam and my father was hard. Growing up was hard. I'd never had an abundance of friends, or people I could count on. More or less, it was just Sam and Dad. But through the years, more people came and more people left. We gained Bobby and lost Dad. Then we lost Bobby and somewhat gained Garth. We had known countless other hunters through the years, but they always bit the dust eventually. Hunters were never known for their longevity.

But Cas was different. He was no hunter. He was naive, childish. He came to us in the hopes of helping us, but gained a valuable friendship. And through the years, I have been clinging to that friendship with him because, let's face it, it was like nothing I'd ever had before.

He could read me like a book. More than my own brother could. He could see right through me and into my soul. Sometimes, that feeling was awful. I never wanted someone I had to depend on. Someone that I loved and had to take care of. Sam was enough.

In Purgatory, I went all out for him. When I found him sitting alone by the lake, I almost felt, relief if only for a minute. But he didn't show the same kind of affection. It was as if he never wanted to be found. I should have seen it then that he was punishing himself for what he had done in Heaven.

It was torment really. I watched Cas work through in his mind what he had done. It ate at him. He was very much an angel in every sense of the word, but to have that guilt bore inside of him was too much. I should have seen it then that he would never have gone with me.

But when he came back, I'd hoped that he had found peace. Or I'd hoped that he had worked his way out and realized that the past was behind him (but really who am I to talk). But it hadn't.

He told me, with those numb eyes, that he might kill himself. And that terrified me. It scared me more than anything. To have him back after believing that he was gone for so long. It seemed like he was giving up most when he should have been fighting.

In my gut I knew why I was driving. I just hoped that it wasn't the case. And I hoped that I wasn't too late. I clutched my hands to the steering wheel and pushed ninety over the one lane highway to the retirement home.

Honestly, I had only one idea where to start looking. I didn't think that he would have gone to the trouble of getting a new room, so I hoped he was still there.

I parked the car in the motel lot. No lights were on. I opened the door and climbed out of the old car, eyeing the windows in hope. The door slammed as I shut it and walked to the motel room. I knocked a few times, getting no reply.

I picked the lock, hoping I would only find some poor family on the other side, and not what I knew I would find.

The room was dark and quiet. My brain supplied the words "deathly quiet" but I pushed it out of my head before I could settle on the image any longer then I had to.

"Cas?" I whispered, turning on the light. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

He was lying on the floor, eyes staring upward. He looked dead, honestly. But the steady rise and fall of his chest made me hope. An angel blade stuck out awkwardly from his side, white light shining through it with a steady stream of blood pouring as well.

"Oh my god." I ran to him and got down on my knees, my hands hovering over him. "Cas."

His eyes were glazed, but I think he recognized my voice. He seemed to blink as I looked over him once more. It was bad, but then again, I didn't know much about angel pain tolerance. It seemed he had done a number in himself.

"Dean." His head turned to the side, looking at me. His voice was raspy, almost choked. "I'm sorry."

I turned to the blade in his chest. It stuck out at an angle, and I pulled it out as it made a sickening sucking sound. He winced and shut his eyes. That was good, I thought, at least he could feel the pain.

"Cas." I didn't know what to say. It was my fault, I should have been there.

"I went to Heaven." He opened his eyes to look up at me again. "It was too much."

"I'm going to get you strong okay?" I looked down at him, holding down a lump in my throat. "You are not going to die. Not after all we've been through."

I cradled his torso in my lap, holding him up to me. He was practically sitting in my lap, with me supporting his weight. His eyes drifted over my head and then shut again.

"Dean." He muttered again. I pulled his chin up and he opened his eyes, focusing them on me. They were so intense, even now, burning like a thousand candles. "They had a memorial. Thousands of graves…all my fault."

"Listen. It was not your fault, you didn't know what you were doing." I bit back tears, tasting blood in my mouth.

"I'm a bad person, Dean. I'm an abomination." His eyes lazily shut again and his head slumped forward.

"No you are not." I pulled his chin back up again, making him focus on me. "Why would I be here if I thought that? Why would I care if you were an abomination?"

He paused, looking into my eyes. He was working through an answer, but he wouldn't find one. There was no reason to why we were friends. We were polar opposites. I had no idea why I was attracted to him in the way I was, why I tried so hard to keep him with me.

He grunted and pulled a hand to his side, covering his still bleeding wound.

"Dean, I'm sorry. And, I love you." His eyes knitted together. "At least I believe that is the term. I care for you deeply."

"Cas…I…care about you too. You have to pull through." I felt a tear fall. I wouldn't let him go, not now, not like this.

He lifted his bloody hand to me and put it to my cheek. It was getting colder. I didn't think rationally. I did what my body told me to do, which was stupid and impulsive…but perfect.

I kissed him. His lips were soft and cold. They melted to mine, as if they were always meant to be there. My fingers held onto his face and jawbone, afraid that if I let go he would slip away from me entirely.

His hand left my face for a moment in surprise before I felt it on my neck, guiding me. He was desperate and alone. He was sad. I could feel myself crying like a child, and at the moment, I didn't care that it made me look weak. He was dying.

He broke away first.

"Dean." He tilted his head back, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't know if I am going to make it. I…am sorry…you don't deserve this."

"Stop it Cas. You are going to make it." I said between gritted teeth.

"Promise, me something." He looked at me, practically into me.

"Anything." I cupped his cheek as his eyes drooped lower.

"Don't hold me in memory. I was not a good person. I was unnatural, a killer. Pretend, that you never knew me. Pretend that…we were never friends. I don't want to be remembered at all." He looked up at me, desperation in his eyes.

"Cas, I can't promise you that. I won't." I bit my lip, looking down at him. His breathing was labored, heavy now.

"You have too. It is my dying wish, isn't your abiding customary?" His eyes opened again and his hand seemed to hold to my neck harder.

"No." I answered gruffly. He pulled me down gently, brushing his lips to my chin before kissing me. I could tell he didn't know what he was doing. But there was innocence behind it. There was a sort of finality to it all that I hated.

"You have to let me go, Dean." He whispered, pulling his face inches from mine.

"Over my dead body."


	2. Chapter 2

He fought for me, I believed. I knew whatever had happened in Heaven, whatever he had seen, it was enough to push him over the edge. He really believed that he didn't deserve to live. It was terrifying, to have his give up on me, like it wasn't worth it anymore.

I stayed with him while he healed. He didn't speak. He curled up alone on the cheap motel bed and shut his eyes to mimic sleep. He was trying to black out whatever it was that made him run and hide in the first place.

I didn't speak much either. After that kiss, something had changed inside me. It scared me. I didn't like being so emotionally connected to him. Honestly, a small part of my brain wanted me to leave; it told me that he could handle what was going on. I ignored it. I knew I was afraid. I was afraid that he would succeed and leave me here alone, I would go on again and pretend like everything was fine like how I'd done when I'd lost everyone else.

I sat by the window, looking out at the early sun dawning over the parking lot, morning dew on the hood of the Impala. He hadn't moved from his position on the bed.

"Dean." He said finally, moving slightly. He stretched his head to look over at me. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are Cas." I turned away from him. It hurt to look at him. After all we'd been through. After everything he had helped Sam and I through, I was hurt that he would do this. It seemed selfish.

"You have not forgiven me." He stated sitting up.

"No." I shook my head looking down.

"Why?" He asked. He was still so innocent, like a child in a way. I paused, trying to not get angry.

"Where would you have gone, if you died?" I looked up at him. "Do angels go back to Heaven when they die?"

"I don't know." He answered truthfully. "I hope not."

"So that was your plan then?" I cocked my head to the side, rested a palm on my leg. "Gank yourself and then what? Leave me and Sam here to rot? What about all of us? We need you Cas. I need you. Did you even stop and think.."

I cut myself off before I started saying something stupid. I didn't want to tell him that he meant more to me than most. I didn't want to tell him that if he died, I didn't know what I would do with myself.

"Dean." He started. "I don't deserve this life. I don't deserve friends like you and Sam. I killed my own brothers. I have done terrible things."

"Cas, it is in the past now. You can't go back and change it. Please just stop this. You are torturing yourself, the angels don't blame you, no one does."'

"They should." He turned from me, getting up. His clothes were still bloodstained, but I knew he was healed. Physically at least, he was healed. His mind was broken. "I just don't know what to do."

He bowed his head and it was the first time that my angel really looked defeated. He wasn't glowing like when I first met him, he was small and timid.

"Have you ever felt like this Dean?" He looked up at me. I didn't want to answer that. I didn't want to tell him that I contemplated it more often than not. My life didn't hold much for me, it never really did.

"Not really." I looked down, ashamed of lying to him. But how could I help him?

"Oh." He saw right through me. "So is that the trick? Hiding it?"

I looked back out the window to the Impala absorbing the heat from the rising sun, the only black in the lot.

"Look Cas, I don't dwell on it. I find what gets me through and I cling to it, I have been and I always will." I shot back at him. He was getting to close to home, this was to personal. If it ended badly for him, getting closer to me now would only hurt in the end.

"So that's why." He sat back down, staring the wall in front of him. "I am your something to cling to. It's been me and Sam."

I sighed. "It was always Sam. It's my job to keep him safe. But you? I don't even know."

"You allowed yourself to come close to me. You care for me deeply as well." He looked back at me. "Do you think that maybe…you could be my something to cling to?"

I smiled at the irony. "Am I enough to make you stay?" I dropped the smile. "Do you care enough to hold on to this crap life just for the sake of keeping me sane?"

He was silent.

"I never thought of it like that." He looked over to me as I got up and walked to him. "Was that why you were offended? You thought I didn't care?"

"A little." I smiled. He took a serious note. He turned, looking at me in the eyes.

"Dean, I am sorry that you felt like that. I do care for you. And I will try…this idea is strange. But I will try it, for you." I felt my lips curl up in a smile.

"Thanks Cas, you know I care about you too. Probably more than I should."

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**Author's Note:  
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**Thanks for reviewing and following everyone! Make sure to check out my other stories if you like this one!  
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